a personal blog

Vlogging Explained

Dear Allah,

How are you? I’m still here trying to talk to You while blocking out all the noises and distractions temporarily that sometimes appear in a form of responsibility, guilt and roles.

Allah, as we carry more and more responsibilities on our shoulders, I thought we were supposed to be closer to You, but what I find sometimes the opposite is true. It’s getting more and more challenging to get in touch with You on a personal level. Explain please, ya Allah. I don’t know if I’m making excuses or these are the signs that I’m getting more and more immersed in the dunya than I should? I rarely have the time for myself anymore, to do reflections, which is the only time I have to spare for our deep conversation.

I miss having some solitude.

I feel like these days I need to recite fast, act fast, talk fast and think fast because I only have less than 24 hours. That’s why I opt for vlogging. Quicker way to express my message but not necessarily with the most quality. I know writing is still my best form of expression as an extension of brain. But during these moments, I barely get to catch my breath and by the time I do, I’m all drained and exhausted. Truly though, I’ve never appreciated good and consistency more as opposed to perfection and quality. I hope that’s OK with You?

As You might have already realised, I’m experiencing some wonderful stuff at my new workplace and oh the guilt I feel for keeping it to myself is killing me. Some way or other, I know need to share it and the first principle of sharing is to use my voice. Somewhere along the way, with the time loss, I’ve lost my voice too. It got buried deep inside. I know I have it but I just don’t use it anymore. I just don’t have the time. I keep being interrupted.

I always blame it on motherhood.

Sometimes I long for my bachelorette life.

If I was still single, my dream would’ve been to join the frontliners in battling Covid-19.

Now that I have this little family of my own, my wills are limited and sometimes my soul too. That’s why I need to remind and convince myself, time and again that there’s barakah in doing things that I do for my little family. Dealing with poopoo, cleaning toilets, cooking nuggets, doing groceries and give to online charity might not be ground breaking, world saving and awe-inspiring but they fall in the expectation of the job scope I signed up for. It’s hard to imagine Allah is smiling down on me for staying at home and do all these chores in the same way He does at those who are out there risking their lives for others.

Embrace motherhood, Nasha. It has been 4 years already. Haha.

It’s a love and hate relationship, man. At the end of the day, I know I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a conundrum that many mothers feel, I’m sure.

Ok, let's be objective now.

I acknowledge the problem I face - I don't have 24 hours to myself like I used to.
My 'excuses' are legit concerns...not just some 'the-cat-eat-my-homework' excuse.
Solution - Make time, steal time, demand for time, whatever. Sad as it sounds, at least I still have midnights. The wee hours are all mine...until one of both of my kids wake up or expect when I'm too knackered.

You know what, I’ve migrated from writing in diary book to using Bloggers/Notes app. I’ve changed from drawing in sketchbook to iPad. I’ve moved on from sharing through blogging to vlogging. These are mother-friendly tools for keeping up with the current status!

Before the day I finally say I’m too old for this, arrives (if it does), resolve this issue now. Get over your previous life...there's no going back. Work around the challenges that are presented to you now. The solution is clear. Just execute. Don’t let perfect be enemy of good. Do your part of struggling and striving so Allah could help you thrive. It’s your calling. Kalau mati esok, harini engkau selamat.

Oh Allah, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me! Thank You for the MCO and work from home arrangement, it has greatly helped me to find my centre again. We cool, rii?

Thank you Allah for Your time in hearing me out. Look forward to our next curhat session.


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