Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore?

بِسْــــــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِارَّحْمَنِ ارَّحِيم

Bila jiwa bergelora, it's a perfect timing to write. Nak tak nak ngaku, writing is a form of expression. My dear habibti, hang it there. May Allah put your heart at ease. This morning, I received a news from good friend of mine. As she is beginning her to embark on a SAMARA (sakinah, mawaddah wa rahmah) journey with her future husband, her parents are getting a divorce. Allahuakbar. I wouldn't say it's an unfortunate event because Allah is the Most Wise and Knowing. But I do pray that may Allah put relief upon their hearts. May Allah make the process of trial easy and smooth. Hang in there.

Come to think of it, that's it, really. Trials are but a process. It's a learning curve, it's a self development and assessment. It's not really about the outcome but the going through. How we deal with things and undertake the challenge. What our dispositions are like and how do we control ourselves in a certain situation. Gee Minah. Can't you make it sound any more frivolous? You know what how crazy you go when you are tried. Speaking of crazy, I'm reading a book called Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore? by Manis Friedman. The author is a rabbi of Bais Chana Women's Institute with good witty style of writing. Basically, in the book he talks about love, marriage and the art of intimacy. Now, before you get any ideas...disclaimer! I'm trying to decode what make sense to me and what doesn't to my friend who believes in going on dates and pre-marital touchy2 relationship before marriage, in simple terms and especially pertaining to American culture. The author talks about the lost morality in relationships which needs to be nurtured again.

It's hard if we don't set ourselves or see the importance of having borders and principles. Nauzubillahiminzalik.

Anyway, speaking of crazy, he mentioned,

There has to be a border between night and day, there has to be a border between two countries, there has to be a border between animals and humans, but the border around the bedroom has to be stronger than all of them.

"It says in the Bible that God created every creature with its borders. Certain creatures live on dry land, certain creatures live in jungles. Some live in swamps, some in high places, and others in low places. But every creature has its borders. 

"Even in time, there are borders. Certain creatures work at night and sleep during the day. Others sleep during the day and work at night. Some are active during the summer, others during the winter. These are the different borders in time. 

"This is even referred to in the Book of Psalms, where it's written that the sun sets and the animals come out to do their work. When the sun comes up, the animals go back to their hiding places and the people come out. So every creature has its borders in time and space, and its definition as to what it's supposed to do.

The ancient sages taught that there are four basic kinds of people. The first person says, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine." This kind of person is wicked and selfish. The second says, "What's mine is yours and what's yours is yours." This is a generous person, a saintly person, a person to be admired. The third says, "What's yours is yours and what's mine is mine." Not too generous but not too selfish either. And the fourth says, "What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine." The sages called this kind of person an ignoramus.

If what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine, then I want everything. If what's mine is yours and what's yours is yours, then you can have everything. If mine is mine and yours is yours, then you can have what's yours and I'll have what's mine. But if mine is yours and yours is mine, what in the world is that? It's a free-for-all, the opposite of a stable and orderly society. 

We say, "I'll take whatever I feel like taking, and you take whatever you feel like taking. What's mine is not mine, what's yours is not yours." Which means, "I'm not me and you're not you." It's insanity, but it's the way we live our lives all too often. 

When the Children of Israel came into the Promised Land, the first miracle that happened was the fall of the walls of Jericho. After that, complete victory was certain. Once the walls fell, it was all over. What was inside was theirs for the taking. When the borders of the world fall, when the walls of morality fall, everything falls. To have no borders at all is to live with insecurity. 

It used to be that the borders of the world were very clear. Day was day, night was night, good was good and bad was bad. Today the whole world is suffering from a pervasive loss of borders. 

Global borders have all but disappeared. In the past, when a nation wanted to wage war, its army would cross a border to invade another nation's territory. Today they don't cross a border at all; a commander can sit at home, push a button, and wipe out a country three thousand miles away. 

"Now it happened that one crazy mouse got confused and wandered away from its border. It trespassed onto the border of human beings. Therefore, nine businessmen left their businesses to come here today and sit around and discuss what should be done with a single mouse who got lost!"

At the end of the day I realized that having God-consciousness is the core of preserving the sancity of many things in life as enumerated in maqasid asy-syariah - life, intellect, faith, lineage and property. Dunia Tanpa Sempadan...tapi awas, masih ada sempadan syariah. Going by His decrees compliment daruriyyah (the essential), the hajiyyah (the complementary) and the tahsiniyyah (the desirable or the embellishments). Subhanallah. One thing compliments three other things. This is when a bit of add math has to be explained out loud in ABC. 

She asked me, how does one get to know each other without going on dating? There are borders, remember. You don't need to spend plenty of time getting to know a person. But just enough time. Even then, time doesn't expose everything about a person. The devil is in the details. Sometime we have to ask and spy around in a non-creepy way. It's like playing the game of Clue. The evidence isn't always direct. You have to search for it and investigate. Before this conversation starts to sound more and more like a crime scene, I reckon you get my point. I used the example of Khadijah (radiallahu anha) who wisely saved all her time and effort trying to search for the "one" by taking the judgement, consensus of a community about the Al-Amin, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). 

More often than not, it's not about how long we get to know a person but how do we get to know a person. What are our methods? Strategies? By simply giving ourselves away is not the way to go. Some of us have trodden the harsh way because we think experience solely gives us understanding. Experience before understanding is nothing but trial and error, rushed, an experiment without theory. The odds are, too often they would still be in uncertainties, insecurities, worse than when they started. Not everyone comes out satisfied. Regret in fact. AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, abusive relationships, one night stands. It's not worth it. Because of one single mouse, the entire community worries. Long lasting relationships shouldn't be treated as such. That's what preserving the sanctity (virtues, purity,  blessedness, piousness for me, at least. If everyone was treated the same, boy/girlfriend to husband/wife, then you don't need a marriage. I have a friend who is staying with her partner and have five kids together. They're still not married. 

I need to put myself in her shoe before I could let her out my judgement on things. Everybody thinks they are right. I'm not up for a debate but just appreciation. Who knows sooner or later, acceptance. Either way, through time, yes, the gap of incompatibility may grow wider later in marriage, leading to a divorce or something. That happens, regardless of the circumstances. We'll be held accountable for our action. Atok Duncan kata, "Rugi kalau tak cari yang berbaloi. Rugi masa, tenaga. Rugi hidup." Understanding before experience is preparation, wisdom, counting on the Best Planner to His best plans and come may good or bad, it's a process of elevating oneself. Ujian tetap ujian. Moga Allah bantu kita harungi ujian dengan secebis kebijaksaan Dia, hikmah Dia dan pemeliharaan Dia. Amin. Wallahualam. 

رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِّن لِّسَانِي يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي

"O my Lord expand me my breast, and ease my task for me and remove the impediment from my speech, so they may understand what i say" Taahaa 20:25-28

May Allah give us guidance.