10 Years of Tying the Knot

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...(I have to earnestly say this as a reminder not turn this curhat writing into a membawang session).

29 May 2025 marked my first full decade of wedding anniversary. Allahuakbar. I can't believe I get to say it, never mind go through it. I can't believe I'm actually growing old with someone other my parents and siblings though we are now living apart. That's why this deserves a post. 10 year journey of ups and down hasn't been a walk in the garden to say the least. It could have been a smoother or rougher sailing with someone else but I guess I will never find out because as of now, my husband and I still decided to choose each other even though we feel like strangling each other everyday. 

This is not a story about giving up but rather, the opposite. I stand by the principle of forgiveness for as long as your partner asks for it and forgive as how you would want Allah to forgive you. On the other hand, his principle, which is also his pride, lies in the ability to hold down a family. They are two different pledges that we made to ourselves personally, but one common fact we shared is that we both felt scammed after marrying each other. Let me explain. 

The one ULTIMATE red flag and deal breaker for me in looking for a husband was that "Thou shalt not be GARANG". I just can't. I was filled with teenage rage coming off age but manage to suppressed it in later teen years with so much deliberate effort to remain cool, calm and collected during testing moments. I did not want to revert to my old self because I had put in a lot of work into improving this side of me. Basically I was still vulnerable. They say, choosing a spouse is like choosing your heaven or hell. Hence I definitely would never want to dwell in "my heaven" with a hot-headed, quick-tempered, fiery, irascible, irritable, short-tempered, choleric, testy and tetchy partner. Never. But there goes my dreams and hopes flushed away before my eyes. How? You ask me? It was exactly like the saying goes, pijak semut pun tak mati, kind of scenario when we first got to know each other.

 

As for him, I believe, some if not most men, generally want a little bit of their mother's personality in their spouse. He said he felt tricked when he thought I was chatty and bubbly. He kept fondly revisiting the memory when he saw me as an emcee for an event, being all articulate and friendly during our undergrad years and got the impression that I was talkative. Boy was he in for a disappointment. He always finds me distracted in my own thoughts and I can go for hours on end like that when we're spending time together. So I'm a girl of few words when I'm around him. Extracting words out of me is like trying to cold press hard rocks into juice. I mean, do I need to explain why I blog again? Clearly it is because I prefer writing over speaking. Having to learn the hard truth was a bit unfortunate for him. My husband and John Gray, author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, may need to dedicate a third planet for species like me. Our conversation always goes:

Abe : Talk to me!
Me  : Ask me questions!
Abe : How was your day?
Me  : Good
Abe : My question is longer than your answer
Me  : Ask me the right questions then 👻

From the moment we were married, our expectations just melted away like chocolate under the hot scorching sun of the Sahara dessert. It was a mirage even to begin with. It was a mistake not to raise these expectations when we were getting to know each other. Anyway, you can only find out about someone so much before marriage. Even when you try to engage with their closest friends and family members beforehand, they just won't spill the beans. So, if anyone ask for a marriage advice, these are my two cents:

A Little Marriage Advice

1. Talk about expectations before marriage and because after marriage, it is mostly about acceptance.
2. You are responsible for your own happiness even more so after marriage because others (your kids especially) will depend on it.
3. People are different from you and change is possible. Set a trajectory as a couple based on the change that you want to see in each other. Humans are more complex and malleable than we think. That means, they (their minds, behaviour and yes even body mass!) can be reshaped and influenced without the need to break or crack.
4. We are forever a work in progress. Nobody in the relationship is perfect. Simply put, marriage is a union of two imperfect souls, trying to get through the forever imperfect world together. Just make it a little bearable for each other and be there for them when the weight of the world tries to pull them down.
5. Take interest in what each other is interested in - even if it means to accompany him watch late night footballs or going shopping to pick an outfit for her. 
6. Respect each other at all times. You are allowed to get angry but no need for swear words, slandering or condescending remarks. Absolutely no throwing things. Be the calm when the other is the storm. Be the water when the other is fire. Be quiet when all else fails. Some things are meant to be resolved slightly later when both are calm and rational, not during the heat of the moment.  
7. Do not let your spouse do all the housework while you just sit around and watch. Offer some help or split the workload, else you'd better pretend to be busy with something because optic matters. 
8. Know each other's love language, apply and repeat - share funny memes, surprise with their favourite snack, make doa for each other out load, go for a date or ngopi somewhere new etc.
9. What's common sense to you may not be for your spouse. Say what you want. Say what you mean. Spell it out and explain if you have to. Don't expect anyone to read your mind.
10. Share the passcode to your phone and let you spouse access it whenever they feel they need to. Whether they do it out of curiosity or suspicion, let them. All husbands and wives could use a check and balance system in their marriage, just to keep things in check. 
11. Expect the least, do what you can and hope for the best - this advice goes a long way however you may contextualise in your relationship.

In our case, at times I find myself having to tame the beast inside of him from going through an incredible roller coaster of emotions whether it be stress, sadness and anger. Sometimes I have to put my foot down and beast out just as well to make a mark and be heard. I also have to learn the art of confrontation because I've always been bad at it as I often just swallow my words whole. Before I know it, it was eating me up on the inside. Perhaps there's a defence mechanism that Allah wants to teach me. It may also be that I need to set an example of self-control for those around me who are in need of it too. To say "I married the wrong person" is cliche and to blame it on destiny is pointless. Embrace the idea that we are sent into someone's life for a reason and someone's sent into our life for a reason. This is how we grow.

In the journey of marriage, I pray that Allah help all couples in every step of their way, bestow goodness in whatever shape or form that we may find in our spouse, and give us something better during challenging times, always. I just want to go to Jannah, ya Allah. If this is the path You choose for us couples, then we are your willing servants. 

My 10 year Marriage Milestones

1. My husband and I have moved into 5 different houses and relocated once
2. We've been entrusted with 3 beautiful daughters
3. We've taken care of numerous kittens simultaneously - Mocha, Snowbelle, Bruno, Antonio, Isabella, Aladdin, Luna, Cocoa, Powder, Pudding and etc
4. I've progressed in 3 different jobs and while you're loyal to one. Now we ended up in the same organisation (talk about clinginess like I've not had enough of you at home! Lol)
5. We went through some (scary) health screenings together and alhamdulillah successfully removed my tumour last year
6. We've bought a house together because I didn't want you to keep spending on silly things (boleh?!)
7. We both continue to manage housework and cook for our family when we can without a maid 😪
8. When we only had one car, we used to drive from Seri Kembangan to KL to Klang back and forth everyday just so I can go to work 
9. We won a court case because of some baseless charge against us (that crazy old lady) 
10. We started a new hobby together - road biking. Ok fine, YOU started a new hobby and dragged me along

For my dear husband, I just wanted you to know that since day 1 of being your wife, I have always been ready to support you to reach your fullest potential, become the best version of yourself and the best imam to our little family. I know nothing lasts forever. So while Allah still lends you me, may He shower our marriage and family with the ultimate tranquility (sakinah), love and affection (mawaddah) and mercy (compassion). 

I appreciate everything that you have done for me and our family even though I may not have expressed it every single time and thank you doesn't even do your kindness justice. Lastly, as you've always tried to convince me, till Jannah maybe? 

Us, 10 years ago...so young and naive. 😂