Semut Hitam Tryna-be

6:20:00 AM

بِسْــــــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِارَّحْمَنِ ارَّحِيم

So here I am again. Staring into the laptop screen. You and I spend a lot of time together more than I would love to. We're like co-workers. Colleagues. I wouldn't take you as my best friend, but like it or not I have to work with you. Thank you for always being kind to me.

This is a personal therapy session that I need due to last night's impromptu discussion on The Role of Intellect in Islam. I call it "post-presentation side effects" which I always get after presenting something/leading a discussion in front of a judging crowd. It's horrible but it's something that I and we all need to do. And it's not always pretty. More humbling than pretty, actually. Sometimes even depressing. All because of realizing who I truly am. Because I just don't feel befitting preaching the ideals that even I am struggling to reach. The president was sick and I had to replace him. I hesitated a lil bit but I knew it was something that I needed to do. Putting myself again in vulnerability, I treated them like my sisters although they were mainly brothers. I considered it a sharing more than a talk by all means. *nervous sigh* 


O Allah, I'm a nobody. 
When You put me out there, I searched myself to be somebody.
Somebody I'm not yet,
somebody I only aspire to be,
somebody I don't know if I'll ever be.
So please don't hold me accountable for what I said and reminded others to be
when I myself don't know where I'll be.

O Allah, I'm a nobody.
I don't befit to speak to them...
in front of the people who have lived life longer than I have,
attained goals and wisdoms more than I have,
appreciated and known You better than I have.
but You made me anyway.

The awe when a sister is speaking at the front 
make me wanna go 'Maashallah', 
But thinking of me... 
it's different with me. 
I'm nobody. 
The only thing that I possess is words,
words of expression,
words that are borrowed,
words that are easily made up and wiped out.

OAllah, I beg from You sincerity in all that I do, 
I beg from You acceptance in all that I do. 
Please make my words inspired from nowhere but You. 

O Allah, You know me better than I know myself, 
and I know myself better than these people who are before me.
Make me better than what they think of me,
and forgive those sins of mine of which they have no knowledge,
and do not hold me responsible for what they say.

Semut Hitam

More than Muslim wannabe, I'm a self deprived Mukmin need to be. The reason for that is because I'm striving and struggling to honor myself. Since sincerity/ikhlas is the like of " Semut Hitam diatas batu hitam dimalam yang gelap tidak berbintang", then people don't need to know that I'm doing all this because I'm Muslim who appears "religious". As a creation and slave, I'm just trying to honor my dirty and lowly self because Allah has made me capable of more than what I was created from - water, dust, blood and semen. 
I'm just trying not to oppress and suppress myself so much from what I was meant to be. 

Sahih International
And [mention] the man of the fish, when he went off in anger and thought that We would not decree [anything] upon him. And he called out within the darknesses, "There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers."
Dan (sebutkanlah peristiwa) Zun-Nun, ketika ia pergi (meninggalkan kaumnya) dalam keadaan marah, yang menyebabkan ia menyangka bahawa Kami tidak akan mengenakannya kesusahan atau cubaan; (setelah berlaku kepadanya apa yang berlaku) maka ia pun menyeru dalam keadaan yang gelap-gelita dengan berkata: "Sesungguhnya tiada Tuhan (yang dapat menolong) melainkan Engkau (ya Allah)! Maha Suci Engkau (daripada melakukan aniaya, tolongkanlah daku)! Sesungguhnya aku adalah dari orang-orang yang menganiaya diri sendiri". (21:87)


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