Something Bigger Than Myself.

بِسْــــــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِارَّحْمَنِ ارَّحِيم

Hm...dah lama saya tak bermadah. Jadi emotional kejap bila saya mula menaip ni...sbb when I stop writing, it's almost like a sign that I've stopped reflecting. It's a sign that I'm getting lost dalam kesibukan dunya that I don't make time for the thing that 1) I'm passionate about 2) I need to keep this soul alive.

Refresh balik niat. In questioning myself, kenapa aku buat apa yang aku buat the questtion of kenapa aku tak buat apa yang aku tak buat is just as important. Farghfilliy ya Allah. Please grant me the barakah of time in every hour, minute and second spent. Amin.

NIU Alumni

I've been meaning to write about the masjid. My beloved masjid. But actually, it's about my beloved community. Before letting go of the position in MSA after two years, I was already thinking of what to do for a change. I wanted to try something else, just to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe something interfaith...turns out it didn't stick for too long because of schedule clash. Maybe something leadership like Mortar Board or AISEC. But Allah, with His will, directed me to be involved in the community. It started last semester when a delegate from Malaysia who was also an alumni of NIU came. Malaysian meeting Malaysian from back home, it only felt right to provide her with some hospitality. You know, like how we'd entertain guests who come to our place.

Minah: I feel that I need to go out with them. But Mamat...I have class :/
Mamat: Pergi lah minah (dgn intonasi sayu). Go and be a good representative of MSA and the ISNIU. Who knows, maybe you can talk to her about the masjid.

Dari situ saya pasang niat I'll miss my class for something greater. Something bigger than myself.

After going to Aurora, we stopped by at a restaurant. Kat situ, mula lah perbicaraan. Awkward as it was at first, I reminded myself, this is for something bigger than myself. Nyahkan fikiran dan perasaan malu, awkward and takut. It's only an invitation. I respected her as a leader. She was very straight forward, knew what she wanted kind of person and not ashamed to ask for it. I didn't feel belittled nor inferior. Instead I felt empowered to communicate with her in the same manner. Why? because I don't believe in the jibber jabber paying more/less respect because of one's status in society. It turned out that we were making a sort of verbal contract. What I greatly respected about her was that, she's the woman of action not merely words. It fueled me even more to keep my words in following up with her about the masjid. Today, although she's far away over the other side of the globe, she remains close to the heart of the DeKalb community. Allah keep us close in touch with each other because of this project.

Mukatamar, KY

Going to Muktamar this year which my dear mother had kindly sponsored, was the best one I've ever had. Funny. It wasn't much of  road trip like I used to have with my family, visiting one place after  another. It was a direct return trip to muktamar and back home. I remember asking the other road trip mates, "So, why did you want to go to muktamar this year? How is it going to be different than last year?" In my case, I knew I was never really of a conference girl. I'd sleep in and won't be able to stand lectures from morning until night. But inshallah this year, is going to be different. I reserved two tables to sell some of my scarves, do henna and Mamat's brilliant idea of selling air sirap bandung. Along with that, I got to know new friends who wanted to join the table, selling their goods. I could count with my right hand just how many lectures I attended. Indonesian uncle dan black bro depan bazaar saya sgt... subhanallah. It's Allah sent mercy sgt2.

There were times when I had to miss lunch and dinner from doing non stop henna but I knew I'd be ok. Mesti somehow Allah akn cukupkan aku. Allah akan kenyangkan aku. Then tiba2 dari tah mane tah datang seorang kawan saya dengan makanan. Bila uncle nk leave his table to buy coffee, he'd buy one for me too. He sold maggi/ramen, indonesian brand. A couple of times, he made some for me and my friends too. He gave me and big bro a bag full of his products before leaving. Bro tu pulak, without saying a word gave a plate a bunch of cookies and biscuits. The last night of muktamar, after playing around with Aisyah (a girl who appeared out of nowhere and made my life!) I wrote a thank you note using henna for those two bazaar neighbors of mine. Then Aisyah knocked my hand by accident and phone fell on the wet henna. Not only henna was all over my phone, the note was also defected. When I was in between disbelief and shocked, she laughed. Her innocent laughter melted mee. So I purposely smeared my phone all over henna again to make her laugh :) Silly but we both laughed.

Ok. dah off topic.

Sebanarnya saya yang ckp, dlm payahnya nak buat baik, baaaaanyak lagi nikmat, kesenangan dan kenangan indah yang Allah tampilkan bersama. Tak tahu ke Allah berjalan seiring dengan kita dlm setiap hal? Note that Allah didn't say after hardship there's ease but He said with hardship there's ease. Indeed with hardship there's ease - Surah Al-Inshirah (Melapangkan).

ABaTa, Fl

Selepas mukatamar, I was again sponsored to go on a trip to Florida for program Education Malaysia.  Sambil bermasjid fundraising, I made friend with a sister from SUNY Buffalo who also changed my life. After winter break, she contacted me and created an FB event for the masjid fundraising. She was like my right wing that I never knew I had. She was there to lift me up. We didn't need to get all warm and fuzzy about each other before we have that trust. It was a downright business thing from the head start. All she said was, "Jannah is not cheap." The truth is, I was never self-motivated. Had Allah not lent me strengths from these people, I would've been hidden by my own shadow. Now there's no turning back. This project will only move forward inshallah.

Something Bigger Than Ourselves

One help after another pops up dari sumber yang tak disangka-sangka. Berpeluh keringat pun tak, let alone berpeluhkan darah, engkau masih boleh hidup sebagai seorang mujahidah? Tidur dalam bilik berair-cond atas katil yang empuk, engkau masih boleh mati syahid? Subhanallah. Dahsat nikmat yang Allah offer. Jadi tunggu ape lagi wahai nafsul lawwamah? Nak taknak je. Aku yakin in all seriousness that masjid ni akn terbina tanpa satu sen dan tanpa sedikit kisah dari aku pun.  Tapi siapa aku nak jadi kalau bukan penolong kepada diri aku sendiri dengan menolong agama Allah? Aku yakin in all seriousness that masjid ni akn terbina tanpa satu sen dan tanpa sedikit kisah dari aku pun. Tapi sudikah aku untuk digantikan dengan insan2 lain yang lebih rela dan ikhlas menyahut cabaran Allah ni?

Here you are - those invited to spend in the cause of Allah - but among you are those who withhold [out of greed]. And whoever withholds only withholds [benefit] from himself; and Allah is the Free of need, while you are the needy. And if you turn away, He will replace you with another people; then they will not be the likes of you. (47:38)

And again I reflected,
What am I doing this for?
Something bigger than myself?
What is it?
What does it mean?

Tanya kita, kapankah tibanya pertolongan Allah? 

Balas mereka, bina Islam dlm dirimu dan tempatmu dahulu. 

Ketika itu, saksikanlah betapa benar-benar dekatnya pertolongan Allah.

Then it echoes to me that, dengan terbinanya masjid ni, one less community is deprived from learning their about their deen and one more community is strengthened through their bond of creed. Kalau ni bukan untuk kebaikan ummah, saya tak tahu untuk siapa lagi. Kalau ini bukan cara untuk membantu Palestin etc, saya tak tahu macam mana lagi. Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku bermujahadah untuk bina masjid di DeKalb bagi membantu saudara2ku di Palestin. Ya Allah, binalah Islam dalam diriku, ditempatku, supaya terbinanya Islam ditempat2 lain. Ya Allah dengan terbinanya masjid di DeKalb, kurangkanlah kesengsaraan ummah. Ya Allah aku yaqin dengan sepenuh keyakinan bahawa Engkau tak sia-siakan usaha hamba-hambaMu. Sesungguhnya Engkau tak pernah memungkiri janji. Ya Allah, hidupkanlah kami sebagai para mujahidin dan matikanlah kami sebagai ash-shahidin. Amin.

Allah tahu bila kita sedang usaha terbaik mungkin...namun juga Dia tahu bila kita berpura-pura. Lagi dan lagi Ya Allah, berikanlah kami keampunan dan kemampuan. Kemampuan untuk mengatasi nafsu diri kami sendiri yang gemar kepada safe zone, bubble sendiri, manja dan berlapang dada dengan keadaan ummah sekarang that we forgot our very own purpose of creation - to live for something bigger than ourselves. Berikanlah kami taufiq dan hidayah dan janganlah Engkau biarkan kami lemas dalam sangkaan baik kami terhadap perbuatan buruk kami sendiri. Bangkitkanlah kami dari tidur yang lena tatkala rumah ini sedang terbakar. Janganlah Engkau uji kami lebih dari yang kami mampu. Sungguh, Engkau tak pernah datangkan ujian lebih dari yang kami mampu..

O you who have believed, if you support (the religion of ) Allah , He will support you and plant firmly your feet. (47:7)

Harini saya remind awak. Esok awak remind saya pula.