Silence is a silent killer.

بِسْــــــــــــــــــــــمِ اﷲِارَّحْمَنِ ارَّحِيم

Alhamdulillah. Hidup lagi saya hari ini. Saya sdg busy giler sekarang ni. Tapi kalau saya tak buat masa untuk menulis, tak mungkin saya akan menulis sampai hujung tahun ni. It's 7pm right now and I'm at the library. You'd know people are having tests and finals when the library is full, noisy and merry. Kita share ayat2 cinta dulu nak.

And establish prayer at the two ends of the day and at the approach of the night. Indeed, good deeds do away with misdeeds. That is a reminder for those who remember. 

And be patient, for indeed, Allah does not allow to be lost the reward of those who do good.

So why were there not among the generations before you those of enduring discrimination forbidding corruption on earth - except a few of those We saved from among them? But those who wronged pursued what luxury they were given therein, and they were criminals. 

And your Lord would not have destroyed the cities unjustly while their people were reformers. 

Hud 114-115

Those ayahs resonate with the time when mama escorted the dejected me to the entrance door of my college. I was about to present the last speech of the year and I was told to scratch it and create a new one within minutes. The reason why? Because it was "political" and "controversial".

Mama said, "Bukan senang nak buat baik."

Last week, I had to face the hardest moment in my college life. In my COMS class, together we were watching the Digital Nation documentary by PBS. Aku tersentap bila tengok adegan pasukan military US in their simulation training, the setting was designed as though they were in a real one bedroom house in Iraq or Afghanistan, out to get a criminal. You must check out the video below to know what I'm talking about.

They imitated it exactly to the extend that the fabric decoration on the wall was portraying the Masjidil Haram and Kaabah. What was that for? This is crazy! That's completely unnecessary! As though that wasn't enough to give me the chills, suddenly a mock up of a lady in hijab popped out on the opposite wall. They waited for it and a couple of seconds after, another person popped out. A brown skinned guy with a beard appeared and was quickly shot down. I was dumbstruck. Shaking. This is unacceptable. The video played on. The US military in a real setting of controlling the drones. Basically for them, it's like playing a video game where they're flying air jets and shoot "dangerous" suspects through the virtual world. Only those people they are shooting, are real people.

My heart skipped a beat. All of me wanted to walk out of the classroom as a statement of protest. But I waited and waited that I almost heard my heart race. My prof paused the video just after the army officer said "No". He asked for the class' reflection whether they think technology is good or bad. From the beginning of the video, I already had a few things in mind. When I saw those appalling scenes, I choked up. I couldn't speak. I was on the verge of bursting out tears of emotions.

I was even more deeply in disbelief when nobody spoke up about the wrong, unjust brutality and terrorism the US had caused on the "bad man" and many others especially the civilians. NOBODY. That moment, I had had it. I was sitting at the most front in the classroom and I was the first to storm out. Who or what's wrong with everybody?!

Last Monday, I approached my prof expressing my disappointment. I asked him about the video and how it ended. He said something about the benefits of technology and how he's not too crazy about gadgets but other people might have their own opinions. I was like, "I'm implying the serious note where the documentary ended talking about unmanned military drones killing innocent people. Not just that. It's also about the crude conduct of militant action justifying one is a criminal and shooting away when they see suspicious any activities. People reacted as though it was ok. I'm surprised nobody said anything about it." He replied, "Oh yes...I was too" while nodding. He seemed like in a rush, so I let him go. We parted. Just like that.

Disappointment upon disappointment. I knew I cannot count on him. How can we easily dismiss the discourse of real issue. Up until today, I questioned, what has this institution of knowledge taught us? Coming to college, isn't it about provoking the mind to think? Having a voice to challenge? What have we learned? Aren't we here to be individuals who have a mind of our own?

Silence is just as good as standing up for falsehood. The ayahs from surahtul Hud I shared above are a reminder for me to start moving, keep going and never stopping. It's either myself or death that can keep me silent.

...at least the war within oneself. First thing first.